Heir to the Hyuuga
by sincerely -your stalker
Summary: The time has come to choose a new heir to the Hyuuga clan. But what do asylums, Mister T, and electrocuted squirrels have to  do with it? read to find out! [oneshot] [no pairings] [moderate to major crack]


Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, they'd fight dirty and just kick their opponents in the balls. It's classic and funny. Enough said.

Warning: Hinata is OOC. So don't tell me that. I already know. You'll see why in the story. Heh… Mister T…

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"Order! Order, you damn ruffians!" The room was quiet, as it had been for the past hour. "Thank you," the purple-haired girl said. 

The entire head table had a simultaneous eye twitching session. Why was this woman even there? She wasn't even related to the Hyuuga by marriage.

Yes, that's right, the Hyuuga. Currently, the largest assembly of Hyuuga since the Great Labor Day Riot (Don't wear white after Labor Day, indeed! Well, the Hyuuga had a few things to say to that) was gathered in the Yamada Café for an important announcement. Were they finally changing the tradition of looking androgynous? Sadly, no. And a few fangirls came back from the dead that day. No, no, they were there to discuss the matter of the family heir. You see, it was nearing that time when Hiashi would soon be six feet under. It was a little known fact that Hyuuga didn't die except from a stake to the heart. Once someone got annoying enough (like with Hizashi and his _ridiculous_ idea of "free will"), they were put into stasis and shoved in a hole. Why not just kill them? Well, if you missed the heart, you'd have a very pissed Hyuuga on your hands, now wouldn't you? Anyway, Hiashi was about to be "neutralized," we'll call it, as his mandate that everyone wear Hyuuga-brand underwear, made by Branch House members, pushed many over the edge. They were too overpriced for everyone, and come on, can you really see _Neji_ making underwear?

Anyway, since the old man was kicking the bucket, a new clan head had to be chosen. Now Hinata was the immediate choice by default, but they wanted a formal event. It was time for Hinata to give her speech. She stood from her position at the center of the council table. "Welcome Hyuuga, one and all. Today is the day we choose the new clan head, and as the first child of the dearly departed Hiashi—" there was a loud chorus of groans "—I am the most eligible for the position. Let me say a few words to begin my reign—"

"You know he's not dead yet, right? All you did was gag him and tie him to a chair, he's trying to hop away right now." The purple-haired girl, Sadako, gestured to the bound Hyuuga patriarch. And indeed, he was slowly making his way toward the door, surprisingly unnoticed.

There was a long silence. Then "…So? What's your point?" a random person called out.

"Nothing, just.. nothing. Go on, Hina-chan." Sadako sighed and turned toward Hinata.

"Like I was saying, I'd like to tell you a few things," Hinata started. "Number one, YES! I FINALLY LOST MY STUTTER! It took two years, a language specialist, and Mister T, but I can finally talk like a normal person. Thank you, Mister T! I do, I _do_ pity the fool!" She clasped her hands as she did the classic sparkly-eyes pose.

More eye-twitching, this time the entire audience. _'Mister T? That__ damned Uchiha…_' As you can see, the Hyuuga hate the Uchiha for some age-old reason, something about the Uchiha being chicken thieves… Another little known fact was that Sasuke was not the last remaining Uchiha. Besides Sasuke and Itachi, Mister T was also an Uchiha. The only reason he wasn't killed in the Uchiha massacre was the fact that he was a master of two arts: Art of the Mohawk and Art of Pitying the Fool. With those he was able to ward off Itachi. Yeah. Fear Mister T.

Hinata continued, "Secondly, I would like to take this opportunity to call two people before us: Hanabi and Neji." The two made their way to the front of the room, where hundreds of pale eyes gazed upon them. "Yeah, so it's like this: during one of my talks with Mister T, I found that I never really wanted my father's approval. My self-esteem was just low because I was in that awkward 'finding myself' stage. And that's why I'm renouncing my role as clan head."

There were sounds of disapproval and inquiry, followed by everyone shuffling around to talk to their neighbor. Actually, it sounded more like, _"Rabble rabble rabble shuffle 'Knew it' rabble shuffle." _Yeah, more like that.

Sadako jumped up on the table and stomped. "Shut up or you'll lose your deposit!" Once again, it wasn't very loud to begin with. All eyes turned to her.

"…But I never made a deposit, you let me use this place for free." Hinata looked puzzled.

"Yeah, but that always works. Gotta love business."

"…Whatever. Anyway, before I step down, I'm going to choose a new leader. So without further ado, Neji, come on down!" She clapped loudly, the lone sound in the room besides the crickets.

Neji went to stand beside Hinata. Naturally, he had a smug little smirk on his face. Nope, the clan head must never smile, that's why the Hyuuga are known as Clan Happy-and-Well-Adjusted (A/N: stole that quote from someone, I think it was KalliopeStarmist).

"I went through all the possible candidates while making my decision. At first it was between Neji, Hanabi, and Uncle Gomer, but Uncle Gomer was too sensible. You know, too much respect for human life, all that jazz, kinda like Uncle Hizashi. He wouldn't uphold the traditions of the clan, and well—"

"Don't nobody do old, painful traditions like the Hyuuga do!" Sadako said, still perched on the table.

A council elder, Hirosuke, stood and pointed, "Who _are_ you?!"

"I'm Yamada Sadako, my family owns this café. And if I recall, we also have an old agreement to marry into your clan. Maybe I should take up on that offer and marry Neji, hm?" She waggled her fingers at Neji.

Neji glared at Hirosuke. He gulped and sat down. "I'll be quiet now."

Tsk tsk, I pity _that_ fool. "What she said. The next immediate choice was Uncle Gomer's twin Uncle Homer, but see, they actually _like_ each other, unlike most twins in this family." All eyes shifted to Hiashi. He mumbled something in muffled-speak and shrugged. "So Uncle Homer was out, too. I chose Neji because he's angry and bitter, which makes for a good leader. Cold and indifferent to the troubles of his people.

"Now that that's all over, have fun with your new leader, 'cause _I'm_ going to the spa. Then I'll write an autobiography about how this family has scarred me for life, electrocute some squirrels, the usual. And don't forget: Eat at the Yamada Café or you'll lose your deposit!" And with that, Hinata left, never to be seen again. Or at least not until after Happy Hour at the café. Even Hina-chan needs her buzz.

Epilogue:

The clan stopped implementing the Caged Bird. Damn, that thing was itchy…

Hiashi woke up from stasis a few years later and annoyed the council until they finally called in Buffy and company to take care of him.

Sadako was proved clinically insane then later started the Yamada Café and Asylum.

Neji found a way to reproduce asexually (through budding), so he now has a mini-Neji growing off of his shoulder. The clan is stoically awaiting the arrival of Neji the Second. Stoically.

Hirosuke divorced his wife and kept the cat and the ottomans. He now resides in the Yamada Café and Asylum, working as a waiter.

Hanabi was taken under the wing of Mister T and is on her way to mastering the Art of the Mohawk. So far, she still has half her hair.

Itachi and Sasuke were mauled by fangirls during their epic battle and are still missing.

And Hinata? Well, she's an accomplished writer and anti-animal rights activist. She made her debut with her book _Mental Anguish: My Childhood With the Hyuuga Clan_. She now tours the nations, giving speeches on her many self-help books and protesting against animal rights. Fight for your right to electrocute squirrels!

Owari

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A/N: And so ends my first fic. I had a weird urge to make a one-shot about choosing a new clan head after reading Council's Decision. Of course, this fic has no relation to the plot of that story. As a second note, I really don't remember where that "Clan Happy-and-Well-Adjusted" quote came from, though I'm pretty sure it was from KalliopeStarmist. Read Kalliope-sama's fics, they're a real laugh. No offense to Hinata-lovers, squirrel-lovers, or anyone else I offended in this story, I was just having fun! I love squirrels myself, Foamy rocks! 

Read and Review!


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